As the tide starts turning on DEI, what is a socially ambitious student supposed to do when asked to declare a preferred identity?

Choosing one or more of the many available BIPOC-LGBTQIA+ identities once offered attractive benefits. During peak DEI, oppressed prerogatives included everything from a leg up in admissions to well-equipped lounges, exclusive scholarships and graduation events, universal restroom access, special mentoring programs, enhanced social status, and the power to anonymously sic the Bias Response Team on anyone who refused to affirm you.

But when Wokeness jumped the shark and threw in with Hamas, the Oppression Olympics suddenly got cancelled.

What if a hot identity loses its cachet right in the middle of your college career? You thought you landed on the right side of history, but imagine ending up as yesterday’s useful idiot. Will future employers hold it against you once they fire their DEI staff and stop hiring activist ticking time bombs?

The uncertainty is triggering a wave of anxiety among Tik-Tok high schoolers preparing to embark on their quarter million dollar college experience. Which means it’s time for collegiate nanny staff to update their therapeutic services menu.

Ever the trendsetters, MIT Medical announced that it is reassigning half of its gender affirming care staff to offer certified Identity Anxiety Therapy (IDANXTH™). Transitioning to being a normie can often be accomplished through talk therapy supplemented by targeted pharmaceutical intervention designed to counteract Woke Mind Virus withdrawal. And for those who fail to regain their senses, faculty and administrative jobs are always available at Oberlin.