Hey gals! Not getting any action from those emasculated soy-boys? Are they so terrified of ex-girlfriend revenge that they’re afraid to step up and satisfy your womanly needs just because Title IX gives you the power to ruin their lives? You know you want more, but you’re not quite ready to convert to Islam and become the sex slave of a real Hamas jihadist?

Then Pleasure@MIT is for you!

Our annual tools sale will allow you to escape your lonely reality and dive into a private stimulation universe. Explore the true meaning of self-love without having to learn how to deal with messy things like relationships.

When you’re ready for the next step, team up with an LGBTQ partner you can find in our Rainbow Lounge to plumb the depths of same-sex eroticism. This popular identity choice also enhances your DEI acceptability score, giving you a big leg up when applying to grad school.

Order online with complete discretion, then pick up your toys at the WellBeing Lab on the third floor of the student center, wrapped in a discrete brown paper bag.

Not sure how to get started? Just ask one of our Pleasure Educators to lend a hand! In no time you’ll be ready to take advanced courses in BDSM and erotic vomiting from the Consortium for Graduate Studies in Gender, Culture, Women, and Sexuality (GCWS).

Pleasure@MIT is part of the DoingWell program offered by MIT’s Division of Student Life. Once you master your own pleasuring you can apply to become a Pleasure Educator, passing your newfound wisdom on to others.

It’s a brave new world, and your enlightened MIT administration is dedicated to staying on feminism’s cutting edge.

Story suggested by Advocatus