Presidential candidate Donald Trump today announced that he is personally funding a new vaccine development program aimed at protecting America from the devastating ravages of the Woke Mind Virus.

Now under development at MIT’s Goad Institute, the new vaccine is based on compounds isolated from blood donated by Professor Jordan Peterson. Preliminary studies indicate that young people exposed to PJP serum immediately developed long lasting antibodies to DEIdeology without having actually been bitten on the neck by the good professor. The only observed side effect was a tendency to wear three-piece suits and spout obscure Bible verses.

The Democratic National Committee and its wholly owned subsidiaries at CNN, MSNBC, the New York Times, and the Washington Post denounced this latest effort to steal the 2024 presidential election. In identical language that certainly wasn’t handed to them by their overseers they insisted that there is no such thing as a Woke Mind Virus, and it absolutely did not escape from a government funded social science laboratory at Harvard.

MIT’s Woke Mind Virus cheerleading squad agreed, initiating a hunger strike on the steps of the Goad Institute swearing to not eat for four hours or until Israel is nuked.

President Spineless Sally Kornbluth and her chief handler, Iron Chancellor Melissa Nobles, responded in an open letter that there is no mental health crisis at MIT, and that accusations that young people have been infected by the Woke Mind Virus are sexist, racist, ableist, and transphobic.

Twenty-seven attorneys general immediately sued to shut the vaccine development project down, demanding to know where the funding came from. The Donald smirked his patented smirk and bragged that he plans to take the $279 million he saved when the bond in his civil fraud case was reduced and spend it annoying the entire county. He vowed to keep the media spotlight on himself until we all want to jump off a cliff rather than be forced to choose whether literal Hitler or the Senile Sock Puppet will lead Western Civilization to hell in a handbasket.