In keeping with its commitment to privilege Other-Ways-of-Knowing™, empower a cohort of new faculty members untainted by so-called “Enlightenment” science, and provide sinecures for additional DEI staff, MIT today announced the launch of its new School of Astrology, Alchemy, and Witchcraft (SAAW).

“For too long MIT has been constrained by the intellectual legacy of dead white male oppressors whose names are carved into the faux-Greek façade of our campus buildings built on stolen land,” explained Dr. Depactor Amentis, the new SAAW Dean of Decolonizing Science. “SAAW will take its place alongside SHASS as the leading agents of change helping MIT shed its shameful past to build a more just, equitable, and inclusive world.”

Astrology’s ancient roots in both the West and East will be explored in a new Frank Gehry designed building shaped like a giant caldron to be named Pritzker Hall, in honor of the $100 million dollar gift that made this breakthrough initiative possible. The new facility will contain both classrooms and laboratories designed to support research into lucrative material transformations as well as non-traditional healthcare potions, elixirs, and spells.

One of the stipulations in the Pritzker grant is that only trans faculty be recruited to teach at the new school, a requirement eagerly celebrated by MIT’s vast and growing DEI ideological complex. While this appears to be a gross violation of Title IX anti-discrimination statutes, that hasn’t stopped MIT from operating more programs than any other university that illegally privilege oppressed groups. Perhaps this is because the Boston Office for Civil Rights (OCR) seems determined to look the other way despite the two dozen discrimination complaints filed against MIT that remain uninvestigated.