In a brilliant burst of social justice innovation, renowned MIT climate scientist Dr. Milan Klöwer has sparked a movement to ban elected officials, government employees, insufferable celebrities, and NGO climate grifters from traveling more than 15 minutes from their homes. And when they do, they must ride bicycles.

“Flying is one of the sectors where there are enormous inequalities,” said Dr. Klöwer from MIT’s Earth, Atmospheric and Planetary Sciences Department (EAPS). The emissions from just the 21 heads of state who flew to San Francisco for the recent APEC Hobo-Free Summit produced at least 31 million pounds of carbon equivalent emissions. That’s more than what would be emitted driving Gavin Newsom’s limousine over the Golden Gate Bridge 21 million times!

Instead of corralling citizens in 15-minute cities to reduce their emissions, computer simulations suggest that it would be more effective to fit jet-setting hypocrites with explosive ankle bracelets then geo-fence them inside 15-minute perimeters. Step too far and KABOOM, permanent carbon reduction.

MIT president Sally Kornbluth hailed the new movement as a welcomed distraction from the tsunami of negative press triggered by the Hamas takeover of MIT. To congratulate Dr. Klöwer on his equitable solution to one of the most vexing climate crisis problems, drop him an email at milank@mit.edu. Don’t forget to tell him the Beaver sent you.