As college campuses nationwide gear up for their annual “Sex Week” festivities, administrators expressed confusion over why participation in dildo relay races remains robust while actual dating has collapsed by 50% and male virginity doubled in the last decade.

Yale University pioneered Sex Week in 2002 with corporate porn producer Wicked Pictures and sex toy merchant Pure Romance. Copycat events spread like wildfire, heavily promoted by an empowered LGBTQ community seeking affirmation and new member recruitment.

Could the trend finally be cresting? This year’s most prevalent theme: “Why Are You Still Here? Seriously, Go Kiss Someone.”

These week-long celebrations featured events like protection popsicles, genital diversity galleries, and workshops on polyamory. Is it any wonder that most students wouldn’t know what actual romance was if it bit them in the keister.

Ohio State, hosting its 8th consecutive Sex Week, promises 25 events including “Great Minds Kink Alike” and “Sex Toys 101.” Organizers at the University of Vermont report record attendance at the “I Love Female Orgasm” workshop, which drew hundreds of students, none of whom have partners.

Meanwhile, a third of Gen Z men report never experiencing partnered sex because they’re too busy watching porn. Incel forums are growing 25% annually as young men radicalize online after university Title IX offices taught them that making eye contact with a girl constitutes toxic male-gaze harassment that could get them expelled.

When asked about the paradox, Yale’s Director of Sexual Wellness, Dr. Celabitus Eternus, explained, “We successfully destigmatized every possible form of sexual expression, making it seem so weird, performative, and clinical that nobody actually wants to have sex anymore. What’s important, though, is that I still have a job.”