In what observers are calling “the world’s most satisfying GoFundMe in reverse,” President Donald Trump has informed Harvard University that it owes the American people one billion dollars for services poorly rendered.

The White House says the bill covers, among other things, years of taxpayer-funded antisemitic agitprop, luxury safe spaces, and the cost of deprogramming ROTC cadets who spent too long in seminars on “Decentering Warrior Hegemony.”

“We are now seeking One Billion Dollars in damages, and want nothing further to do with Harvard University,” Trump posted on Truth Social, adding that if Harvard can’t pay cash, he will accept “the endowment, the Kennedy School, and that big library with the Latin name.”

Harvard responded with a 47-page statement explaining that, while it “regrets any feelings that may have been problematized,” it categorically denies wrongdoing and notes that its campus diversity, transgender, and protest policies were all “developed by world-class experts whose consulting fees do not come cheap.”

Meanwhile, the Pentagon announced it is cutting all ties with Harvard, explaining that it needs to train “warriors, not wokesters,” after noticing that officers sent to Cambridge were returning with advanced degrees in self-loathing and a minor in Settler-Colonial Guilt Studies.

Harvard insiders warn that if Trump succeeds, the university may be forced to lay off several assistant vice provosts for Belonging, reduce the number of DEI task forces to single digits, and postpone construction of the new Center for Intersectional Palestine Studies and Queer Climate Grief.

As one senior administrator put it, on condition of anonymity: “If this keeps up, we might actually have to go back to just teaching stuff.”

Story researched, suggested, and entirely composed by Perplexity.ai. Graphic by Grok.