The plenary session of the exclusive college-president-only conference was packed with almost every president from America’s top 100 universities.

All eyes were on Jonathan Gruber, the keynote speaker.

“The American public has lost faith in higher education.

Why?

We got caught lying about climate change. We got caught lying about the origins of the Covid pandemic. We got caught lying about race discrimination in college admissions. We got caught lying about what is a woman. We got caught lying about gender affirming care. We even got caught lying about the economic value of our college diplomas.

The problem, and its solution, are clear. We must get better at not getting caught!”

Cheers erupted from the audience.

“Over the next two days you will learn from experts how to hunker down. How to practice DEI taqiyya. How to fend off reform initiatives, calm angry alumni, lobby influential congressmen, and court our supporters in Hollywood and the media.

This conference is all about strengthening your resolve to come roaring back as soon as our allies regain control of the government. Once authorities implement ironclad policies to suppress misinformation, adjust the historical record, restore our access to tax dollars, return our privileged tax-free status, rebuild the decimated Department of Education, and drive our enemies into lawfare bankruptcy, we can together Make American Universities Great Again (MAUGA)!”

The conference concluded with a standing ovation for Professor Gruber. In his closing remarks, he reminded the assembled presidents: “Ten years ago, they caught me admitting we deceived the public to pass Obamacare. And you know what happened? Nothing. Obamacare remains the law of the land, I’m still a tenured MIT professor, and I’m standing here tonight as your keynote speaker. So take heart—the system works.”