Addressing a hastily convened conclave in the sub-basement of the New York Times Building, Professor Jelani Cobb, Dean of the Columbia School of Journalism, shared strong words.

“This amateur attack on our profession cannot be allowed to proliferate! We didn’t spend a quarter-century institutionalizing narrative control only to have some social media nobody undo it.”

“What will become of our power to do good?” wailed Katherine Maher, President and CEO of NPR.

“Only direct action can nip characters like Nick Shirley in the bud,” acknowledged Willow Bay, Dean of USC’s Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism.

“Alright,” nodded Joseph Kahn, Executive Editor of the Times. “I’ll retarget our Legal Observer and Street Muscle cadres. We’ll put the guiding theme out through the usual channels: “Punch a White Supremacist Citizen Journalist (WSCJ).”

“I’ll have Applebaum gin up a 10,000-word piece exposing the racist roots, MAGA connections, and provocations to violence inherent in citizen journalism,” added Jeffrey Goldberg, Editor-in-Chief of the Atlantic. “After it runs, the Star Tribune can cue the local Street Muscle to provoke an incident.”

“We’ll stand by to amplify,” volunteered John Harris from Politico. “How’s this for a title – Why Unvetted Citizen Journalism Threatens Democracy.”

“Who do you recommend write a case study on the economic threat this represents to essential mainstream media employment?” asked Srikant Datar, Dean of the Harvard Business School.

“How about Noam?” suggested Bhaskar Sunkara from Jacobin. “I don’t think the Epstein revelations actually caught the old man with his pants down.”

A glum silence filled the room. An ancient voice finally spoke from the back corner.

“How did we reach the point where some kid with an iPhone can turn our anointed guild upside down?” lamented Bob Woodward, last living relic of investigative journalism. “I told you we should have prevented Musk from buying X.”