Columbia University President Claire Shipman and New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani proudly inaugurated the first of 283 new city-funded daycare centers at a ribbon cutting ceremony in Harlem today.

Named for the charismatic Ghazi leader Tariq ibn Ziyad who brought religion-of-peace enlightenment to barbarian Europe, these centers will be operated by sanctuary-city immigrants eager to grab their slice of the American Dream.

“We are grateful to the landlords who provided space for these facilities under New York City’s new Community Opportunity to Purchase Act (COPA),” beamed hizzoner. “Operating funds will be provided by New York State’s innovative billionaire mark-to-market tax that will soon be signed into law.”

“We couldn’t have been more thrilled when Mayor Mamdani offered Columbia a piece of the action in return for us providing vetting services for operator applicants,” gushed Columbia President Claire Shipman. “Cutting us in for 10% of the take will go a long way toward helping us pay off our $200 million Title VI fines.” Shipman assured the mayor that only the worthiest ICE-evading candidates that meet Columbia’s holistic diversity criteria will be eligible to collect grants disbursed through this program.

Taking a page from Minnesota best practices, compliance monitoring inspections will be run entirely on an honor system basis wherein investigative reporters from CNN will phone operators once a month and ask if they are actually providing daycare services to customers.

NPR, MSNOW, and the Washington Post hailed the new program as a rebuke to all the racist Islamophobes who hate children.