Despondent over the failure of the COP30 climate confab to establish a roadmap to phase out fossil fuels, scientists from MIT’s Center for Sustainability Science and Strategy (CS3) decided to take direct action.

“No one is paying attention anymore to our computer models predicting the end of the world,” lamented the Center’s Director, Noelle Selin. “What part of fires, floods, drought, plague, frogs, and boils do deplorable science deniers not understand!”

In order to get more press for the Center’s essential mission of providing lifetime employment for elite climate scientists, the entire CS3 staff assembled in Times Square, stripped off their clothes, set their hair on fire, and streaked naked down Broadway screaming “Repent, Repent, the End is Near!”

Unfortunately, they ran directly into a mostly peaceful demonstration of masked and keffiyeh-clad pro-Palestinian demonstrators, who mistook them for a Pride Parade.

At a hastily called press conference convened after the last ambulance evacuated the few surviving scientists, New York Mayor Mamdani tried to put the unfortunate incident into perspective.

“All right-thinking people understand that setting Palestine free from the river to the sea, supporting our LGBTQ brothers and sisters, and putting a stop to the use of fossil fuels are the three most important priorities of my new administration. It’s a shame these noble causes happened to collide without proper intersectional contextualizing.”

Flashing his signature smile, Hizzoner continued. “Next time MIT scientists come to our fair city to summon the fawning legacy media to amplify their narrative, we ask that they respect Sharia law and properly cover and veil their female members.”

“If male scientists want to manifest the essence of settled science, they are free to expose themselves. But to conform with accepted local multicultural customs, we recommend that instead of setting their hair on fire they self-flagellate.”