At the September MIT faculty meeting, Provost Anantha P. Chandrakasan and Executive VP and Treasurer Glen Shor shared insights into the Institute’s strategy as it navigates a perilous financial landscape ahead. To address these challenges, they formed a Financial Scenarios Working Group.
The Provost explained: “As we watch elite Ivy League universities destroy their reputations, squandering hundreds of millions of dollars on DEI initiatives ruled illegal and social justice activism programs that radicalized a generation of students, MIT decided to take a different course.”
“As the leading STEM university in the world facing a projected $200M annual budget shortall, our plan is to get back to basics.”
Effectively immediately a 20% Reduction in Force (RIF) will be implemented across all administrative staff. The School of Humanities, Arts, and Socialist Scientism (SHASS) will be stripped down to its core functions offering a smattering of survey courses to undergraduate science and engineering students. The totally unhinged Department of Anthropology and the cringeworthy Women & Gender Studies center will be closed.
In addition, the budget of MIT’s Division of Student Life (DSL) will be cut in half. “No more petting zoos, ice cream socials, or emotional therapy dogs,” explained Chandrakasan. “MIT is neither a country club nor a daycare center for disturbed adolescents.”
Reaction to the planned changes were mixed.
Professors Sally Haslanger and Michel DeGraff committed ritual seppuku in the Great Court, attended by wailing mourners from the banned Coalition Against Apartheid (CAA) and Erotic Vomiting program graduates from the Consortium for Graduate Studies in Gender, Culture, Women, and Sexuality (GCWS).
Conservative faculty and students, only recently emerged from their bunkers, were spotted parading around campus holding framed portraits of late MIT president Paul Gray wearing a “Make MIT Great Again” cap.