The Experts™ at Harvard and MIT have spoken. All nations must surrender their economies, trade policies, wealth, and sovereignty to a global Climate Coalition. If they don’t, humanity will be doomed!

Only under wise technocratic leadership, guided by the most advanced climate-o-economic computer models, can the world achieve the divine state of NetZero.

“It all begins with carbon accounting,” explained MIT Professor Catherine Wolfram, chair of the Working Group. “Carbon footprints assigned to every human activity will become the foundation of a parallel economy powered by taxes, border adjustments, and adaptation backsheesh. The $200 billion dollars we extract each year from grubby people who actually produce things will fund an army of accountants, bankers, regulators, verification officers, bureaucrats, politicians, and scientists like me. Working together, we will exquisitely balance this parallel economy using our superior brain power and clairvoyant computer models.”

Like taxation through inflation, most of this will be hidden from consumers. “Everything will just get more expensive, which we can blame on greed. For example, steel prices will increase by 4%, aluminum prices by 11%, cement prices by 5%, and fertilizer prices by 10% to 13%. And let’s not talk about electricity prices. Hoo boy.”

The key to success is eliminating populist demagogues and science deniers who refuse to surrender political power to multi-national coalitions. This will require high-profile support from journalists, social media influencers, snipers, and pink-haired activists who block traffic and glue themselves to famous paintings.

In other news, the U.S. Secretary of State, Secretary of Energy, and Secretary of Transportation told European-led neocolonial exporters of global climate regulations to go pound sand.