With apologies to John Henry and special thanks to Billy Strings for the brilliant guitar riffs. Vocals by Homer Simpson, courtesy of LALA.AI, with lyrics by the Babbling Beaver.

Click here to listen along as the battle of the Compact for Academic Excellence in Higher Education gets ready to enter its next phase.

The Ballad of a Deal Drivin’ Man

When the Donald was a little baby boy
Sittin’ on his pappy’s knee
The Art of the Deal came a callin’ his name
“Donny’s gonna be a deal drivin’ man, Lord Lord!
Donny’s gonna be a deal driving man.”

Well, he took on the academic Wokies.
Gonna make ‘em change their ways.
He got a tight hold on their old purse strings.
Said, “I’m gonna make ‘em squeal, yes I am, Lord, Lord!
I’m gonna make ‘em squeal, yes I am.”

Well, the Wokies said to the Donald,
“There ain’t no way we’re cavin’ in!
You can’t tell us how to run our schools.
Your Compact’s gonna be suckin’ wind, Lord Lord!
Your Compact’s gonna be suckin’ wind.”

Now the Donald hammered the Ivies.
Even took a swing at MIT.
Be careful what you wish for if you ask for war.
When the money runs dry you’ll beg for more, Lord Lord!
When the money runs dry, you’ll beg for more.”

Well, the Ivies said to their lawyers,
“Can’t you make him shut up and pay!”
The lawyers said, “You’d better ask Congress.
The money ‘sposed to come from them, Lord Lord!
The money ‘sposed to come from them.”

The Donald smiled and shrugged his shoulders.
Who knows what’s he’s got up his sleeve.
October 20 is my sweetheart deal deadline.
“You’d better come and make a deal with me, Lord Lord!
You’d better come and deal with me.”