In what may soon trigger the most desperate pivot in tech history, researchers at MIT have confirmed that 95% of companies spending billions on AI are getting absolutely nothing in return — except perhaps the ability to make deceased relatives dance awkwardly in six-second loops.

Grok Imagine is Elon Musk’s latest contribution to humanity’s march toward digital enlightenment. While the rest of Silicon Valley burns through $400 billion annually chasing Artificial General Intelligence (AGI), xAI has cracked the code on what people really want: the power to bring photos of dead relatives to life and watch the Mona Lisa laugh uncontrollably.

The MIT study, ominously titled “The GenAI Divide,” (as in “dividing fools from their money”) found that most corporate AI pilots fail spectacularly. Who could have guessed? Meanwhile, OpenAI sits at a $500 billion valuation with nary a killer app in sight. But at least all these electronic brainiacs are being trained to avoid implicit bias, making sure historical images illustrate contemporary diversity.

Venture capitalists, ever in hot pursuit of the latest fashion, have poured 64% of all US funding into AI startups this year. A company named after a long dead predecessor from two AI bubbles ago raised $2 billion without products, their business plans apparently reading: “Step 1: Drown star female founder in money. Step 2: ??? Step 3: Superintelligence!”

AI’s crown jewel thus far is Grok’s “spicy mode” — because nothing says “transformative technology” like AI-generated deviant anime.

The great guessing game now underway is: after the AI bubble pops, what will all those NVIDIA GPUs ultimately be repurposed to do that’s worth more than the electricity they consume?

Stay tuned to the Beaver for updates.