Living under the cisheteropatriarchy is bad enough without actually having to care for a man. That’s why Dr. Angelica Ferrara, President of the Stanford Society of Spinsters and coiner of the hot new misandrist pejorative “mankeeping,” is urging her feminist sisters to stay away from burdensome relationships with men.

“The gender stereotype of women being ‘nurturing’ must be stamped out, just as we have eliminated most aspects of masculinity,” explains the developmental psychologist and postdoctoral scholar at the Clayman Institute for Gender Research.

“We now live in the world of the girlboss,” she continues. “Life as an unattached HR Manager lets you exercise your power while leaving plenty of free time to go out for cosmos with the girls. It’s so much more fulfilling than the horror of being a wife and mother.”

With sexual harassment concerns waning now that so many men have been trained to give women a wide birth, bitching about mankeeping is now their fastest growing battle cry.

A new Gallup poll indicates that “I’m not your therapist!” has surpassed “From the river to the sea!” as the favorite expletive of mad women under 30.

Luke Owens, a Stanford graduate student tired of navigating today’s dating scene, turned to Nomi.ai as an alternative, one of the many new companion apps. Crafting his own digital dream girl modeled on feminine characteristics that would make Dr. Ferrara’s head explode, Luke no longer has to worry about Stanford’s Title IX office ruining his life should he make a mistake while “approaching” a woman.

In other news, the US birth rate plunged to a new low.