A bold new approach is being considered to help residents of the Golden State live in harmony with nature.

Dr. Peter Alagona, an environmental “studies” professor at the University of California, teamed up with the California Grizzly Alliance and the Tejon Indians (best know for their $600M Hard Rock Casino), to persuade Governor Gavin Newsom to “rewild” North America’s most majestic predator.

“Our ancestors understood the grizzly, possessing deep knowledge, passed down since time immemorial, of how to coexist with the bear,” explained Octavio Escobedo III, Chairman of the Tejon Indian Tribe. “It is said that some of our chiefs kept grizzlies as pets and even gifted them to other tribal leaders.”

“Science cannot account for the histories of violence, loss, and trauma that drove grizzlies extinct in California, nor can it quantify the sense of humility, wonder, inspiration, and pride these animals bring,” the 200-page feasibility study explains. “Ultimately, the question of whether or not to recover grizzlies in California is as much about values as it is about science, and about people as it is about bears.”

“What a tremendous idea!” responded Florida’s Governor Ron DeSantis upon hearing the news. “Let me suggest launching the program at the corner of 5th Street and San Pedro in downtown Los Angeles, where it might do the neighborhood some good. We’d be happy to ship Mayor Bass an unlimited supply of hungry alligators to give her supporters even more of what they deserve.”

The Beaver has long been a champion of indigenous grizzly bear social justice, celebrating MIT’s efforts to restore these cuddly creatures to their rightful place in the food chain.