Facing federal investigations, slashed research funding, and civil lawsuits, MIT announced a sweeping new rule designed to clear the raging woke mind virus plaguing the world’s leading STEM university.

“After extensive evaluation it was determined that far too many of our humanities faculty, graduate students, and DEI deans are lacking basic numeracy, fundamental reasoning skills, and any understanding of how science works,” explained President Sally “I-just-found-my-spine” Kornbluth. “This makes them easy prey for the woke mind virus.”

To remedy this situation, all prospective faculty hires, all entering graduate students, and all existing faculty, deans, and grad students in every school and department will be required to take, and must pass, the final exams for freshman calculus, physics, chemistry, and biology. Anyone who fails will be exiled from campus and denied fire and water for a radius of 100 miles.

“We do not take this step lightly,” continued President Kornbluth. “But nothing short of dropping a STEM GBU-57 could penetrate the entrenched positions of these DEI infiltrators.”

Disgruntled alumni applauded the move, eager to make MIT Great Again. Panicked DUSP and SHASS professors vowed to barricade themselves in their offices and stage a hunger strike, while a wagon train of Deans, Assistant Deans, Associate Deans, and Deputy Deans was spotted heading north up Mass Ave., seeking sanctuary at the Kremlin on the Charles.