Once upon a time a shadowy figure nicknamed Deep Throat gave some excellent advice about how to probe the depths of corruption. “Follow the money.”

So, who are the largest beneficiaries of Harvard’s gargantuan endowment?

The Babbling Beaver is a fictional pirate rodent who writes satire and parody, not an investigative reporter. But thanks to the magic of Perplexity.ai, he can play armchair Woodward & Bernstein for your edification and amusement.

“Harvard University’s endowment is currently valued at approximately $53.2 billion. This makes it the largest academic endowment in the world,” explains the all-knowing AI.

The silicon sleuth continues. “The investment portfolio is heavily weighted toward private equity (39%) and hedge funds (32%).” Hmm. These be expensive products. The Beaver digs deeper.

“Based on Harvard Management Company’s (HMC) current asset allocations and prevailing industry fee rates, it is estimated that Harvard pays a total of about $653 million per year in management fees for these two asset classes.”

Yikes, that’s quite a pile of boodle. But wait, there’s more!

“Based on HMC’s asset allocations, typical performance fee structures, and historical returns, the average annual performance fees paid to private equity and hedge fund managers over the past decade are estimated to be approximately $804 million per year.”

And what about the whipped cream and cherry on top?

“HMC pays its personnel approximately $90 million annually in total compensation, including salaries and bonuses, based on recent data for 2023. HMC employs about 128 people, with an average compensation of roughly $700,000 per employee.”

Wow. Harvard pays the cronies that manage its loot a billion and a half dollars a year. According to Perplexity that’s twice what it spends on financial aid for diverse students that can’t afford the whopping tuition. In return, woke professors fill their heads with mush in between protest marches.

So calculates the canny computer. You can review its fee estimates for yourself.

Nothing to see here.

In other news, Harvard’s most beloved indigenous professor warns that Elon Musk is stealing your Social Security!