Escalating his attacks on Ivy League scofflaws, President Trump issued a new executive order laying out penance procedures that will have to be undertaken before he will even discuss partially restoring taxpayer funding.

“The American people have had enough of the blatant racial discrimination being practiced by elite universities in admissions and hiring,” explained Mr. Art of the Deal. “These violations of the plain language of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 as well as recent Supreme Court rulings will no longer be tolerated.”

“Until the president of every Ivy League university posts a video on Truth Social of themselves wearing a dunce cap and writing ‘I will not discriminate based on race’ on a blackboard 100 times, they can kiss my keister if they think they are going to get another dime.”

“We are outraged! This is compelled speech!” the Dean of Mandatory DEI Statements at Harvard posted on Bluesky.

“We will defend to the death the right of any university president to say out loud that they will continue their illegal racial discrimination policies,” announced Greg Lukianoff, President of the Foundation for Individual Rights and Expression (FIRE). “Forcing law breakers to self-censor while committing illegal acts is a violation of the First Amendment, which is the only law we recognize. Click here to send your donations.”

“Death to Israel and pay off our student loans if you know what’s good for you!” chanted masked protestors at the latest Columbia University encampment, where six Teslas and a passing rabbi were set on fire in mostly peaceful acts of resistance.