“I’ve been emotionally harmed!” cried Martha Alexander, Associate Vice President for Institutional Equity, Accessibility and Compliance.

“That bad boy said mean things!” shouted Bianca Figueroa-Santana, Institutional Equity Investigator.

“I’m going to need a six-month paid leave of absence to recover from the trauma,” sobbed Soljane Martinez, Director of Library Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion.

In a scandal to top all Ivy League scandals, a privileged cis white-adjacent male dared to imply that 49 Brown University DEI bureaucrats hold bullsh*t jobs.

“I emailed 3,805 administrators to find out why a year at Brown costs $93,064,” explained Alex Sheih, creator of the website Bloat@Brown. In a quixotic attempt to bring a bit of viewpoint diversity to campus, the Brown University sophomore and one-man hostile environment is trying to resurrect The Brown Spectator, a moribund conservative student newspaper.

He is now under investigation by the university’s totally fair and transparent kangaroo court system.

“When we said Brown will defend free expression we were talking about protecting pro-Hamas protestors from the federal government,” explained University President Christina Paxson. “Silencing DEI refuseniks that hurt our feelings is a private internal disciplinary matter.”

“How dare anyone question why we need one administrator for every two undergraduates,” she continued as she popped a couple of Xanax. “How else can we teach students to know their place in the oppressed/oppressor identity hierarchy?”

In surely unrelated news, Brown has had $500M in federal funding halted, landing them in the penalty box alongside Harvard, Princeton, Columbia, and UPenn.