In a shocking development designed to destroy America’s elite institutions of higher learning federal inquisitors are demanding an end to discrimination against non BIPOC-LGBTQ students and faculty. Mandatory training programs that reveal the truth about the inherent wickedness of Western Civilization, white people, heterosexuality, motherhood, capitalism, punctuality, and settler colonial genocidal Zionists are also under investigation in an unprecedented assault on academic freedom.

“Our right to taxpayer’s money to do with as we please is enshrined in the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights,” explained AAUP President Tood Wolfson. “We are determined to get our hands on funds being denied us even if every college dean in the country has to put on buffalo horns and storm the capitol.”

Columbia students took time out from their pogroms to stage a die-in on the steps of the New York Stock Exchange. They called for a release of all political prisoners as well as free pizza and ice cream to help nurse them back to life.

Secretary of Education Linda McMahon was unmoved. “This is just the beginning of a New World Order in higher education, which will be funded using civil forfeiture procedures to confiscate the endowments of all universities suspected of violating Title VI and Title IX. We will use this money to launch the American Academy, a free online university staffed with patriots pledged to eradicate the Woke Mind Virus.”