“What, no furries? No bearded drag queens? No ladyboys? No polycules? How do you expect us to mount a good Sex Week if all we can valorize is cishet missionary position?”

Sex Week had become a rite of spring on many college campuses. Sadly, these how-to celebrations now struggle under a cloud of repression. Why? Because the world’s largest source of money flowing into university coffers declared that there are only two genders.

“If they can cancel hundreds of millions of dollars in federal grants just because a college chased a few Jews off campus, imagine what these prudes would do if they find out what’s goes on in the petting zoo tent during Sex Week,” explained Yale’s Assistant Dean of K-Y Jelly.

University administrations are taking a wait-and-see attitude as they encourage students to tone it down. But with public performance manifestations of deviant sex by a deranged vocal minority displacing the real thing as actual sexlessness skyrockets, a generation that abandoned both traditional gender roles and conventional heterosexuality finds itself at a crossroads.

Bemused Baby Boomers, remembering their rambunctious college days back before AIDS was a thing and no one imagined that 72 different genders would one day vie for attention, can only shake their heads and hope that someone makes enough babies to grow up and cover their Social Security payments.

Story suggested by Homo Cogitans