Students for Justice in Palestine (SJP) University of Virginia chapter hosted a swank affair this past Sunday to celebrate the courageous Hamas warrior victory over fearsome settler-colonialist dead babies, soliciting donations to sustain the good people of the intifada.

Tuxedo and keffiyeh clad supporters ululated over champagne and caviar, raising thousands of dollars to help advance the noble cause.

Khaled Mashal and Moussa Abu Marzuk, Hamas’s compassionate billionaire leaders, made a surprise appearance via Zoom from their five-star Qatari penthouse suites. They thanked SJP along with all righteous American college students for the generous support that makes their lifestyles possible. (Ismail Haniyeh sent his regrets as was dispatched by the IDF to entertain 72 virgins.)

Georgetown adjunct professor Josh Ruebener harangued the crowd with tales of Zionist perfidy as youth poet laureate Marjan Naderi recited her famous slam poetry celebrating Islamic feminism and her idyllic childhood in Afghanistan.

The after-dinner charity auction was the main highlight of the evening. Up for grabs: liberated household items from the October 7th raid. Enthusiastic bidders were eager to grab a piece of history, comparing their trophies to getting a piece of the Berlin Wall.

“We will support the people of Palestine forever, even if it means martyrdom for every last one of them,” SJP organizers declared. A good time was had by all as they danced the night away toasting Hamas’s successful resistance campaign.