In its never-ending quest to immerse fragile MIT students in the amniotic fluid of total nurturing and support, MIT’s Division of Student Life has launched a “Return to the Womb” campaign.
To symbolize this ultimate act of beneficent maternal therapeutics the entire campus has been surrounded with a screen of six-foot tall inflatable plastic vaginas. Students are invited to pass back through the gateway from whence we all came and surrender their anxieties into the care of MIT’s crack staff of Wellbeing Experts™.
Vice Chancellor Suzy Nelson explains:
“The world’s leading STEM university has been through profound changes since it helped win the Second World War. What was once a bastion of toxic masculinity and sink-or-swim competitive excellence has been transformed into a diverse and supportive enclave of sensitive souls yearning to find meaning in service to the marginalized. As we’ve hyper-feminized every element of MIT’s culture we’ve noticed that the mental health of our exquisitely gender-balanced student population has collapsed. Our goal is to make sure none of these students have to deal with actual reality until after they graduate and are no longer in our care.”
The timing of launching another expensive non-academic program couldn’t be better as it underscores the importance of maintaining MIT’s 59% federal grant overhead rake-off. “DOGE wouldn’t dare jeopardize our Return to the Womb by capping the amount of money our bloated administration can steal from scientific research funding at 15%.”
Story suggested by the MIT Architecture Department