Anyone with a sophisticated education from an elite university knows that language is more powerful than reality. Even the most heinous crimes can be hidden behind carefully crafted euphemisms that engender warm and fuzzy feelings designed to deflect scrutiny and criticism.

With Hitler taking over the White House and fascism on the march, everyone on the right side of history must help rebrand our most precious social justice program. Nothing of substance needs to change! We just have to find the right words to cloak our ideologies, our budgets, and our jobs.

In keeping with this existential quest, the Babbling Beaver invites you to submit your best ideas for renaming Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI), whose cachet melted down faster than those celebrity mansions in LA. Think how proud you’ll be if your contribution to debauching the English language saves the jobs of thousands of righteous administrators from evil state legislatures, jackbooted DOGE stormtroopers, and raging deplorables who refuse to acknowledge their privilege.

Here are the leading candidates so far:

• Belonging, Achievement, and Composition
• Inclusive Excellence
• Office of Collaboration
• Organizational Culture Office
• Ice Cream, Hugs, and Puppy Dogs
• Community, Engagement, and Effectiveness
• Equity, Access, and Inclusion
• Cultural Rights and Responsibilities
• Division of Multicultural Affairs
• Equal Employment Opportunity and Accessibility

Think you can do better? You owe it to the future of the children you disdain to have to make it safe for adolescents to transition to one of the many genders whose affirmation has been outlawed by the insurrectionist felon.