Inspired by the successful efforts of MIT’s artistic community to cash in on climate anxiety by securing swell Mediterranean boondoggles where they can pursue “paradigm-shifting innovations at the nexus of art, science, technology, conservation, and design,” veteran MIT tiddlywinks champions launched a campaign to replace all sports played on grass fields with inclusive, climate-friendly tiddlywinks tournaments.

Experts™ have calculated that greenhouse gas emissions contributed by the manufacture of fertilizers applied to grass on all the world’s soccer, football, baseball, golf, cricket, and other playing fields could cause earth’s oceans to boil by the year 2100. Hence, climate activists are demanding that the World Economic Forum issue an immediate ban on all sports played on grass.

“Aside from saving the earth, an end to climate-threatening grass sports will put a stop to the unfair discrimination and social marginalization experienced by unathletic couch potatoes,” explained MIT’s interim deputy dean of fat-shaming eradication. “We urge all K-12 physical education programs to be redesigned to train children in the fine art of tiddlywinks, a complex game of strategy and tactics, which involves a fascinating mixture of manual dexterity and intellectual activity.”