When chopping off body parts is not enough to meet the needs of anxious and confused students raised under the new woke world order, only one more step can be taken to assure proper affirmation healthcare. And that is to compassionately end their miserable lives following MAID protocols pioneered in Canada that recently began accepting depressed, autistic, and mentally ill candidates who are otherwise physically healthy.

“MIT has long considered itself a leader in LGBTQ+ healthcare,” explained Dr. Jo Sef and head nurse Meng Ele. “We pride ourselves on PRIDE and stand ready to offer our students any medical intervention they demand based on their own self-diagnoses, whether its chemical castration, gender modification through experimental surgery, or in this case end-of-life accommodation when systemic oppression becomes too much for them to bear.”

Students applying for the new program must pass a battery of tests that could take up to half an hour to assure that they really believe their lives are not worth living, followed by an exit interview with MIT’s interfaith chaplain. As with all of MIT’s Health Services, students are promised complete confidentiality, ensuring that parents are not notified until after the fact.

“I feel like I’ve been waiting all my life for an opportunity to escape the heinous curse of being born with so much white privilege” explained sophomore Kaitlin Vesanus (they/them). Kaitlin’s imposter syndrome had become so severe that the shelf full of prizes, ribbons, and participation trophies she’s been collecting since childhood seemed to mock her inability to get accepted in any of MIT’s numerous oppressed communities. “And besides, what difference does it make if I check out early since climate change is forecast to destroy all life on earth long before I’ll be able to pay off my student loans.”