Just as a gas will expand to fill the available space, MIT’s rapidly growing administration stays ever on the lookout for problems that invite bureaucratic solutions. Thanks to the Food Security Action Team, part of MIT’s DoingWell Complex, a division of MIT’s Student Support Services, an important component of MIT’s Division of Student Life, two dozen apparatchiks have a role keeping hunger at bay.
MIT’s Assistant Associate Deputy Dean of Eat-your-Vegetables explains. “Today’s students have been spoon fed by their helicopter parents their entire lives. Once they arrive on campus, the DoingWell Complex takes over. Our job is to delay the arrival of adulthood with its burdens of personal responsibility for as long as possible.”
The Deputy Associate Assistant Dean of Come-in-out-of-the-Rain concurred. “These fledglings would flounder away from their mamas without our help.”
The Associate Deputy Assistant Dean of Wipe-your-Bottom knowingly smiled. “Perpetual infantilization is the best way to keep young minds open to the values training offered by MIT’s DEI Complex. An inability to function independently creates a useful craving for Belonging.”
Should excess nannying induce psychological fragility, a common problem for DEI admits suffering from imposter syndrome, MIT Medical stands ready to intervene. Group Counseling Services are available to help Latinx, LGBTQ+, non-binary, black female, eating disorder, ADHD, trannies & eunuchs, furries, and other mental health challenged students adapt to the new world order.