MIT is re-examining its budget priorities in response to federal science funding agencies capping “indirect cost” subsidies at 15%. All eyes are on MIT’s bloated Division of Student Life (DSL). Today, we consider one small part of that non-instructional Leviathan, MIT’s thirty-one chaplains.
Thirty-one chaplains, Mr. Beaver? At a STEM school? Surely you jest!
Au contraire, gentle reader. Go see for yourself.
As MIT prepares to replace Cynthia “Mad Money” Barnhart with a new penny-pinching Provost, a directive is under consideration that would require every DSL group to become a self-supporting profit center. Not only does this mean that the folks running the petting zoo during Random Acts of Kindness Week would have to charge admission to cover the cost of alpaca rentals, but MIT’s chaplaincy would be obliged to run a for-profit divinity school.
“We all joined hands in prayer, seeking divine guidance from Yahweh, Jesus, the Holy Ghost, Bahá, Krishna, Brahma, Vishnu, Allah, Mohammed, the Buddha, Ormazd, and the Great Spirit,” explained Wellbeing Chaplain Rev. Natalie Hill. “After multiple instances of revelation and speaking in tongues, we concluded that launching a divinity school sure beats getting laid off from these cushy gigs.”
To make the new school’s offerings more inclusive, Professor Michel DeGraff has been invited to come on board as Voodoo chaplain, Professor Catherine D’Ignazio to represent the Sisters of Data Feminism, and Chancellor Melissa Nobles to minister to MIT’s growing coven of Wiccans. Thus far, the Church of Climate Science insists on remaining part of EAPS, though that may change as funding for that formerly fashionable field dries up.
Applications are open now for the fall semester, leading to a Wide Tim D.Div. degree.
Story suggested by Bad Beaver