MIT alumni take pride in their unique Beaver-adorned college ring, affectionately known as the Brass Rat. Each year a special ring committee conducts a top-secret design effort to update the ring’s details, incorporating visual references to contemporary events.
In keeping with this year’s meltdown of Belonging and Community triggered by weeks of pro-Hamas demonstrations, a special-edition version of the 2024 ring is now available. Thanks to a generous gift from anonymous benefactors in Qatar, these 18 carat beauties are absolutely free for brave students who walked out of MIT’s commencement ceremony in support of decolonizing murderers, rapists, and kidnappers.
Behold, the Woke Rat!
Proudly he/she/xe carries the LGBTQIA+ flag, signifying the privileged position enjoyed by those who reject the gender binary and flaunt their deviant sexual proclivities on every occasion.
Celebrating a rejection of reason, oblivious to cognitive dissonance, the Woke Rat sports a beloved jihadist headband denoting solidarity with terrorists who would gladly throw LGBTQIA+ supporters off the roof if given half the chance.
A festive protest encampment adorns the steps of Building 10, relabeled for the School of Humanities, Arts, and Socialist Scientism (SHASS). All hail the activist-professors who successfully crushed MIT’s racist and heteropatriarchal STEM culture, the crowning achievement of the long march through the institutions.
Saint Greta Thunberg glowers from above as the scold of the moon, chanting her patented “How Dare You!” sneer. Her virtue is the driving influence behind MIT’s total commitment to global warming hysteria. That and gobs of federal grants.
To commemorate the excellent job that Pleasure@MIT is doing satisfying the carnal needs of MIT coeds without having to expose themselves to toxic masculinity, the Hancock building has been replaced with the ever-popular vibrating rubber butt plug. It’s the perfect companion for those lonely evenings when you really want to get into yourself.
And finally, center stage, is the former Green Building, now dedicated to housing MIT’s burgeoning DEI staff. May they reign forever, SCOTUS be damned.
Illustration by the Rambling Raccoon