After completing an audit of MIT’s Diversity, Equity & Inclusion, Belonging Achievement & Composition, Stand Together Against Hate, Institute Harassment & Discrimination, Bias Response, Global Diversity Lab, Intercultural Engagement, and DoingWell programs, SHASS oppression analysts were horrified to learn that 11% of the undergraduate student body still lacked professionally certified grievances to grind.
This threat to the continued growth of MIT’s administrative staff triggered feverish attempts to identify a systemic oppression that would allow the inclusion of this neglected identity group.
“Every elite college student must learn to experience victimhood,” explained Iron Chancellor Melissa Nobles. “Learning how to whine, become more easily insulted, file anonymous microaggression reports, conduct disruptive demonstrations, demand safe spaces, and exhibit mental health symptoms requiring yet another expansion of MIT’s psychiatric staff is the best way to prepare for modern life.”
A crash research program by the ICEO Gender Identity Initiative discovered that what this last unprotected group had in common was a Y chromosome, pale skin, and European ancestry.
“We have reached the final frontier of Social Justice,” proclaimed Dr. Contere Testiculis, the Associate Dean of Systemic Oppression. “Our new campaign to defeat Europhallaphobia will begin hiring additional staff immediately. Every student must have the opportunity to claim our protection, especially since we trained them all to loathe and fear rival identities.”
When embattled MIT president Sally Kornbluth was asked whether chanting “Hey, Hey, Ho, Ho! Toxic Masculinity Has Got To Go!” at this downtrodden group constituted bullying and harassment, she dove under her desk and assumed the fetal position, demonstrating the signature feature of her leadership style.
Story suggested by Braveheart the Beaver. Photoshop by the Rambling Raccoon.