“A commitment to Belonging looked so good on paper,” lamented Pagliaccio Sciocco, assistant associate deputy dean of DoingWell@MIT. “But as campus disruptions continue, we are increasingly asking ourselves – Where did we go wrong?”
Another ad hoc working group has been formed to look into this.
“We have a holistic admissions process that screens out applicants who haven’t bought in to the primacy of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. We assign everyone to the correct identity group so they can be tracked by our Diversity Dashboard.”
“We subject incoming students to hours of mandatory diversity training, teaching them to check their privilege and be on the lookout for systemic racism, sexism, and an alphabet soup of identity phobias. We offer segregated safe spaces where students can be their authentic selves, sharing lived experiences as they hone their oppression narratives.”
“We offer bystander intervention training and anonymous microaggression reporting to help undercover student monitors root out bias and discrimination. We cancelled our racist founder and incessantly celebrate the unique accomplishments and special wisdom of treasured BIPOC-LGBTQ members.”
“We support every conceivable activist program, encouraging students to improve their social justice skills so they can go forth and build a better world.”
“We have an enormous mental health staff offering 24×7 psychological support services to handle everything from imposter syndrome to female neuroses to gender affirming surgery referrals. We sponsor regular alpaca and baby goat petting zoos to increase student serotonin levels.”
“How is it possible that all these noble efforts haven’t turned us into one big happy family?”
DISCLAIMER: The new ad hoc committee is fake news. No such introspection and analysis is taking place. Too many administrative jobs could be put at risk.