MIT’s latest addition to its Sports Lab is using science to propel MIT into the top ranks of elite college athletics. Jerry Lu, a former competitive swimmer and technical consultant to UVA’s swim team now working on his master’s degree at Sloan School, believes he has cracked the code.
“After running the entire range of intercollegiate athletic performance data through our advanced computer models we discovered that the fastest way to the top is to follow the lead of Lia Thomas at U Penn. Hence, we have certified MIT’s entire male swim team as trans.”
At first the lads were reluctant to go along. But after learning that it would burnish their DEI statements and increase their gender quota bonus points, boosting their chances of getting into a top graduate school, they signed on.
MIT has hired Dylan Mulvaney to teach the freshly minted female identifying swimmers how to act like women whenever NCAA investigators come sniffing around. But they were assured they needn’t change lifestyles and could still date Wellesley girls as long as they tell everyone that they’re lesbians.
Story suggest by The Geek That Can Speak … Photoshop by Curious Kit