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MIT replaces Covid testing with mandatory DNA testing

The world’s leading STEM institution is repurposing its Covid testing facilities to conduct mandatory DNA testing for all MIT applicants, students, faculty, and staff to more effectively support its science-based DEI programs.

“It has come to our attention that increasing numbers of our community members are using an Elizabeth Warren strategy to claim preferred identity status that is not deserved,” scolded MIT Chancellor Melissa Nobles. “Hence, we have tasked our scientists with developing objective standards by which every member of the MIT community can be assigned verified identity designations.”

In addition to DNA testing to ascertain precise fractional ancestries, skin melanin measurements and brainwave responses to lewd photos will be used to capture all relevant intersectional factors. These data will be fed into an AI algorithm that will produce a QR-coded identity matrix to be embossed on all MIT ID cards alongside registered preferred pronouns.

“Not only will this data-driven approach improve the reliability of our Diversity Dashboard,” boasted the renowned science-decolonizing Chancellor, “but it will serve as input for our admissions, scholarship, housing, promotion, and tenure policies, enabling MIT to become the most equitable university in the world.”

Story submitted by Baloney Bull

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