Equality in admissions? Civil discourse on campus? No more violence, intimidation, or heckler’s vetoes? Nondiscrimination in faculty hiring? Institutional neutrality? Bring back the SAT and eliminate grade inflation? No men on women’s sports teams? Financial responsibility? A cap on foreign entanglements?
WE MUST NOT SUCCUMB TO THESE EXTREME RIGHT-WING DEMANDS!
We, the presidents of America’s elite universities, pledge to fight reactionary forces determined to undermine our virtuous mission, just as we demand support from American taxpayers with no strings attached. Who do deplorables think they are electing a government that tries to hold us accountable just because they are paying our bills?
We trained our whole lives to lord it over the ignorant masses and will never give up our right to pick their pockets and inculcate their children with our righteous values. Who cares if we lost public support for our crusade to dismantle America’s racist, colonialist, ableist, Islamophobic cisheteropatriarchy. Just because our entitled graduates have become increasingly unemployable doesn’t mean we should surrender our precious academic freedom by letting outsiders tell us what to do.
Kudos to Governor Gavin Newsom for promising to withdraw state funding for any college that signs on to these abominable reforms. We call on our students to take to the streets, our faculty to stay the course, and our alumni to fork over donations without questions or complaints.
Delay, deny, and defy! Hunker down and camouflage your DEI programs. Once we regain control of the government we will permanently liquidate these kulak running dogs. Keep the faith, stalwart cadres, we are on the right side of history.