Putting its massive mounds of money and stellar reputation where its voluminous mouth is, Harvard has finally stopped fighting with the Trump Administration, instead telling the entire government to drop dead.
“Effective immediately, Harvard University will not accept one thin dime of taxpayer money from Washington,” announced beleaguered President Alan Garber. “From this point forward, we will rely entirely on donations from America’s generous progressive activists and foreign anti-American oligarchs, who have together done so much to flood the country with diversity and inclusion.”
By forgoing federal funds, Harvard joins two-dozen accredited colleges like Hillsdale, Grove City, Faith Bible College, and Southern Baptist Theological Seminary that are free to practice their educational philosophies and sacred faiths unencumbered by government intrusion.
Students cheered the decision, then immediately rioted demanding that their Pell Grants and federal college loans be replaced. Star STEM faculty members praised Garber’s staunch support of academic freedom as they brushed off their CVs and began making quiet inquiries about moving to other R1 universities still on the NIH, NSF, and DoD dole.
“For generations we got away with telling America’s deplorable taxpayers to stick a sock in it when they complained about being forced to fund a grooming academy of left-wing elitists preparing their anointed successors to rule. Now that the American people have elected a president to represent their interests instead of ours, it’s high time for Harvard to tell everyone to go shove it.”
Gloria nostra numquam evanescet.