Dear Babbling,
As a loyal reader, I must with all good intentions take you to task about your promise of delivering fake news. As far as I can tell, almost everything published in your satire webzine is fake fake news. As soon as I click on the links I find out that most of the crazy stuff you report is true!
To help fulfill your original promise of genuine fake news, here is an update report from Dean Aimee Cox, MIT’s newest DEI commissar.
2024 Year End DEI Update
By request of our Female Graduate Students Association (FGS), we have revamped our mandatory DEI programs to better meet their needs. The demand for reform was communicated to the ICEO Office by FGS President Praxagora, who pleaded, “The current situation is untenable. Male graduate students have become so girly, we cannot stand them. Our members are all on the verge of becoming lesbians. Please get us back some real men.”
Our reformed and rebranded DEI stands for Determination, Excellence, and Initiative. Virtues which can now be promoted without cancellation thanks to the MIT Administration’s response to the global vibe shift.
I am pleased to report that this new approach is already having an effect! Case in point, after only his first semester in graduate school, Butch Crusher, an all-star fullback, turned into a whiney wimp. Rumors circulated that when he went to MIT medical to ask for help with his ED, his sperm count was so low they couldn’t even detect it. He broke out crying every time he accidentally misgendered someone.
Administering tough love proved far more effective than another trip to the petting zoo. I called him to my office and bitch-slapped him until he fell to the floor bawling. When he stopped sobbing I told him to stand up and that he had two choices: Man up or get out. A glow returned to his face, the reflection of a restored manly confidence. He said ‘Yes, ma’am, man up it is!’ and marched out with his head held high.
I just learned that his ED is gone. Don’t ask me how I know this, but it shows how effective the new DEI can be.
Your fan,
Harry the Beaver