MIT is set to introduce new policies and clarify existing ones aimed at balancing free expression, respectful dialogue, and safe campus operations, as announced in an August 15th email from the Student Organizations Leadership & Engagement Office. Vice President and Dean for Student Life Suzy Nelson announced that the finalized policies, developed with significant input from students, were to be shared in the coming weeks as the fall semester approaches.
In order to eliminate hurt feelings resulting in complaints to the Institute Discrimination and Harassment Response Office, every student will be issued a set of hearing protection earmuffs. These must be worn whenever there is a risk that fellow students might open their mouths.
Female students will also be issues LCD glasses that automatically turn opaque to block offensive sights whenever embedded sensors detect anxiety. Male students must wear gags when in the presence of females, blocking potential expressions of toxic masculinity.
“Nothing is more important than protecting the fragile mental health of our students, unaccustomed as they are to hearing anything that contradicts their sensitive identities and cherished beliefs,” explained Dean Nelson. “And so, we determined that the best way to survive on a campus that allows free expression is to isolate each student in their own personal safety zones.”
The Foundation for Individual Rights and Expression was stymied over this one. “Our charter is focused on making sure universities don’t stifle free speech. We’re going to have to change our name if this includes protecting free listening.”