Stung by criticism that the world’s leading STEM university lowered its standards in order to achieve DEI faculty hiring goals, a plan is circulating that would require all MIT deans and professors to take and pass the freshman calculus final exam if they wish to retain their positions.
“We do not want to be outdone by the University of Florida, whose post-tenure review program resulted in the departure of 39 professors,” explained President Sally Kornbluth, speaking from the new fortified bunker constructed under building 10 to protect her administration once students return to campus in the fall.
Studies have demonstrated an irrefutable correlation (p<.01) between innumerate college professors and the explosion of disruptive campus protests.
While the School of Science and Engineering faculties cheered the development, it was not as well received on the other side of campus.
“How dare they impugn our intelligence!” exclaimed the president of the SHASS affinity group dedicated to eradicating innumerophobia in STEM. “We have worked tirelessly to establish the legitimacy of Indigenous Ways of Knowing here at MIT. These have nothing to do with either literacy or numeracy, inventions of white settler-colonialist oppressors.”
Outspoken linguistics professor Michel DeGraff promised grave consequences should the plan be put into effect. “You saw how successful I was mobilizing protestors in support of Hamas freedom fighters last year. Imagine what will happen if you try and make me take a calculus final!”