In the beginning was the Babbling Beaver, offering fake news you can trust from transgressive nerds at MIT. The Beaver said, “Let there be mockery,” and there was mockery. Woke weenies were aghast, and he saw that it was good.

The Beaver begat the Flickering Beacon, publishing exclusive stories of UMass Boston’s wacky wokery. Shining the spotlight of withering scorn, the Beacon scatters DEI deans like mental cockroaches.

Far above Cayuga’s waters arose the mighty Babbling Bear, ready to wrestle the sanctimonious virtue signalers, useful idiots, and fellow travelers infesting the great Cornell.

The clarion call has even been heard in the frozen north. Welcome the Babbling Martlet, taking McGill University’s lords of lunacy to task. Channeling the wise words of the great Sam Clemens, the Martlet chants our sacred slogan: “Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.”

And now we call on you to save your alma mater! Stand strong against cancel culture, put an eye patch and pirate hat on your school mascot, and join us in our crusade to reclaim the promised land. Raise a hearty aargh and together we can laugh the woke invaders out of town.