As chancellor Melissa Nobles has stated repeatedly, science is plagued by systemic racism. MIT is the poster child, with a legacy of shame that lame duck president L. Rafael Reif’s apology and abasement campaign continually stresses.
With rumors that Nobles has been passed over in her quest to become MIT’s first black female president – proof of the racist patriarchy, nevermind her total lack of science or engineering credentials – the only answer is to double the size of the administrative staff. Henceforth, every MIT professor will be assigned a full-time DEI commissar tasked with monitoring all lectures and research programs. Transgressions will trigger mandatory retraining via public struggle sessions that will be held every Friday in Killian Court.