Hi, my name is Raffi. It’s been three months since my last act of woke appeasement. Serving as MIT’s president for ten years destroyed my reputation, as well as that of the finest STEM university in the world. The least I can do in retirement is step up as the new executive director of College Presidents Anonymous. Perhaps I can save others from this same tragic fate.

I didn’t intend to transform what was once the last bastion of reason in academia into a cuckoo’s nest of identity politics grifters and intersectional grievance mongers. But that’s what slowly happened as I gave in to escalating woke demands. It all started with that first tweetstorm after I got caught taking money under the table from Jeff Epstein and had to hire six new DEI deans as the price of holding onto my job. It was such a relief to get kudos from all those shrill feminists screaming bloody murder at me! I thought I could quit any time, but once I started giving in to their demands I found I couldn’t stop.

I’m glad our alumni aren’t paying attention or they’d burn me in effigy. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.