Science has proven that college swim tests are racist because just as it is a socially accepted stereotype that white men can’t jump, blacks can’t swim. Colleges on the right side of history willing to acknowledge their structural racism are removing their swim requirements. What’s wrong with MIT?

MIT’s Associate Dean for Equity Adjuration, Dr. Imponere Insania, makes a powerful case. “White supremacists on our faculty sadly defeated attempts to eliminate the math SAT as a factor in admissions. But it’s high time to draw a line at the swim test, which has been disproportionately impacting the self-esteem of BIPOC students for generations.”

Proponents of the swim test argue that the best way to help students who can’t swim is to have them take a beginner’s swimming class, reducing their risk of drowning. “Faux paternalistic colonization imposing hermeneutic ontologies should not be privileged in the lexicon of racial justice,” sniffed Dr. Insania, EdD, LSW. “Huh?” mumbled the frightened swim coach.