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MIT scientists discover infinite source of sustainable career energy

In a thoroughly disinterested and non-conflicted decarbonization report titled “The Future of Energy Storage: An Interdisciplinary MIT Study,” MIT scientists demonstrated that there is one substance that can be burned forever, yet will never run out.

Never mind that nowhere in this report do these diverse and inclusive specialists and their political advisors reveal how a city like New York can possibly be kept powered by wind and solar for more than twelve hours on a cloudy day when the wind stops blowing. But if you funnel them copious amounts of money for the duration of their careers, they will figure out how to do it, cross my heart and hope to die.

“Pay no attention to skeptical analyses undoubtedly written by science-denying foreign agents in the pay of oil companies,” explained the committee’s indisputably non-partisan advisor John Podesta. The 387-page report powerfully concludes “While several novel electrochemical technologies have shown promise, remaining knowledge gaps with respect to key scientific, engineering, and manufacturing challenges suggest high value for concerted government support.” Because climate research has proven that concerted government support is the surest way to manufacture settled science.

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