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Harvard one-ups MIT in the Oppressor Olympics. “We owned more slaves!”

Stung by MIT’s pledge to return its Cambridge campus to the Wampanoag Indians, Harvard president Larry Bacow launched a $100M program determined to prove that Harvard is more evil.

“Our commitment to truth means that we must embrace it even when it makes us uncomfortable or causes us pain,” Bacow pronounced, as he wrestled lame duck MIT president L. Rafael Reif for possession of his hairshirt. “The primary role of higher education is to prove that Western Civilization is morally bankrupt. We will not allow mere STEM universities to out virtue-signal us as we pursue this important mission.”

Critical race theory grifters and DEI consultants chortled with glee at the prospect of getting their hands on some of that $100M. “One hundred million is not enough,” sniffed Dean Martha Minow, chair of the implementation committee that will disburse Harvard’s blood money. “We will consider this a down payment as we lobby for a national reparations program based on our objective and incontestable scholarly work.”

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