Succumbing to heartless logic, aided and abetted by castorid humiliation, MIT surrendered the dream of making STEM more diverse, equitable, and inclusive and will no longer admit students with poor math skills. Despite mostly-peaceful protests by DEI advocates from the School of Humanities, Arts, and Socialist Sciences, MIT’s Dean of Admissions reinstated the racist, sexist, and elitist requirement that successful applicants for admission score in the top 1% on the math SAT regardless of their identity group or preferred pronoun.

It took a team of 500 crack scientists and statisticians two years to demonstrate a correlation between SAT scores and the ability to pass MIT’s rigorous core curriculum. “Forcing Women’s & Gender Studies majors to take two semesters of calculus and two semesters of physics is a civil rights violation that must not stand!” shouted the leader of an unruly crowd of enraged SHASS students and faculty. “Hey, ho, hey, ho, the core curriculum has got to go!”