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This year’s Brass Rat Ring Melt dedicated to the expiation of alumni sins

Under a mandate from MIT’s new Dean of Atonement, this years Brass Rat Ring Melt will go toward casting a golden calf dedicated to the expiation of the heteronormative, implicitly racist, patriarchal sins of past graduates who never confessed their privilege.

“Now that Father Moloney is gone and forgotten we are ready to install this sacred idol in the MIT Chapel as a reminder of the structural wickedness of those who graduated in the dark days before DEI Enlightenment,“ preached lame-duck President L. Rafael Reif, still wearing his hairshirt. “While we take for granted that our oblivious donors will continue forking over their hard-earned cash to support the exponential growth of our administrative staff, we also ask that all MIT alumni of designated oppressor identities turn in their rings as a sign of repentance.”

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