In a shocking finding by MIT social scientists using advanced statistical modeling developed to support the disparate impact litigation industry, it was determined that 50% of MIT students are below average (p<.05). “The damage this does to the self-esteem of students admitted under our DEI program is incalculable,” worried the Associate Dean of Equitable Grade Redistribution. “Curriculum changes designed to eliminate the stigma that falls on protected identities need to be addressed if MIT is to achieve its long-term goal of eliminating meritocratic privilege.”
“Volume 13 of the Index of Forbidden Words must ban the words class average,’’ demanded a tearful Suzy Snowflake, sophomore. She/her/hers came to MIT to study physics but quickly took refuge in the School of Humanities, Arts, and Social Sciences in search of a major that does not inflict the systematic oppression of objective standards. The growing faculty of MIT’s School of Social Justice welcomed her, savoring the rapid growth of their department, thrilled that 8.01 is still doing a fine job of vectoring prospects their way.